I'm not doing a whole big article again, but I have to mention the NBA's Philadelphia 76ers. And their retirement of mascot Hip Hop.
A bunny.
...with happenin' shades...
The team itself said that he was retiring to a Pennsylvania farm.
Seriously? That's the official storyline here? Not he signed on as a coach at his college alma mater, Bunny U? Not he is working for the Easter Bunny to help spread cheer to more than just the citizens of Philly? I'd even go with he was playing in China and couldn't return home. No. He is being retired to a Pennsylvania farm. So, I guess they put him down.
Okay, so rabbit with serious 'tude is out. Who's in?
It will be one of these three potentials.
Hand to Ceiling Cat, those are the three finalists. An old Ben Franklin (with man boobs), a seductive dog that looks like he's hitting on you (with a bell on his head), or a moose on crack.
Where to start.
First of all, there is already a team that has cartoon versions of the founding fathers. The Washington Nationals have the Bobblehead Presidents. Presidents that run a race every game.
That is a great way to do it. They are entertaining. They also look good. They have almost all of their characteristics exagerrated and are literally giant bobbleheads. A fun take on mascoting not duplicated anywhere else. Yet. It looks like Philly might try, but in a very wrong way.
Will the Franklin character (named Big Ben) be a real person or a costumed character? If costumed, will he have those unappealing features seen in the drawing (like the drunk-nose)? I mean, this is a pro-basketball team here, not an activity for seniors in an assisted living center in the Florida panhandle getting hammered on whiskey.
From the 76ers:
One of the most revered figures in American history, and a man who needs no introduction as an honorable representation of this city and nation, "Big Ben" Franklin will now come back to serve Philadelphia yet once again. An avid basketball fan, Big Ben was thrilled to be asked to join Philadelphia sports fans in cheering the 76ers on to greatness. As the Sixers new mascot, he will bring electricity to the Wells Fargo Center, and be a towering presence at Sixers games both figuratively and literally as he stands seven-feet tall.
Okay, 7 feet tall. So a costume. And a 7 foot tall old guy will bring electricity how? And does anyone else find it odd that the team acknowledges Benjamin Franklin is "one of the most revered figures in American history" with "an honorable representation" in their announcement on why they made him a plushy mascot? So the 76ers basically said we know history, but screw it.
Oh, and if you are a Pennsylvania sports fan, you might recognize the name Big Ben as quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles' cross-state rival in the NFL.
Okay, let's go on to The All-American pet, B. Franklin Dogg.
B. Franklin Dogg is a loyal Philadelphia resident who can be seen in artist drawings from the day nestled under the table beside Ben Franklin as he deliberated on the founding of the nation. In the revolutionary fervor of the times, B. Franklin Dogg proudly wore patriotic colonial garb to show his spirit. Over the years, B. Franklin Dogg was occasionally seen playing with a basketball around the historic landmarks of Philadelphia, before finally making his way down Broad St. to the Wells Fargo Center.
Going away from Hip Hop because he's too 90's for you and you come up with Dogg? Dog with two g's? Very modern of you.
We get not just a Franklin mascot, but his dog as well. My goodness. Not even an original looking dog.
Reread the statement. The dog wears patriotic garb? Looks like a bastardized liberty bell helmet to me.
And he looks like he's hitting on me. Those come-hither eyes and the follow-me head-tilt. Add that to his extrovert, flasher jacket and that's B. Franklin Dogg. I am going to take a shower after posting this. I feel unclean.
True, all three candidates have the jacket, but it looks the worst on Dogg. Almost as bad as his collar with a mini bell on it. Just so we have a constant reminder of that bell-hat incase he's not wearing it.
Final thought on the dog: is the team wrong on his jersey in the lower picture? Aren't they called the Sixers and not just Sixer? Maybe it's suspenders holding up his pants overlapping the final 's'. That actually makes it worse. I hope it's a typo.
Okay, now. The last idea on the list.
If you are going to have a moose as a mascot, do it right.
Yeah. Get 'em Mick E. Moose! Yes, it's a play on words and a little corny. But that's about the only corny thing about that mascot. Above is the Winnipeg Jets' mascot who moved up from the AHL when the Manitoba Moose name was retired. That is a good look.
But Phil E. Moose (ugh) looks like he's had a lot of coffee. Or cocaine. Maybe trucker pep pills. Whatever it is, not a good look on the anamorphic moose.
One of the most regal animals to roam the wild, Phil E. Moose certainly fits that bill, standing tall as he represents the Sixers (he stands over seven-feet tall in fact, with the antlers). In his youth, Phil E. Moose would often be seen dunking a basketball with ease, aided by his great height. Throughout his high school, collegiate and professional games, Phil E. Moose was a scoring star, and was excited to learn he had been "traded" to the 76ers in order to entertain fans during games at the Wells Fargo Center.
Never lived in Philly. Only visited once (which was more of a pass through). But I'm pretty positive that moose are not exactly native to the area. I could be wrong here, but is the wild referred to by the team in the statement above Philadelphia? And again, they directly mention how "regal" the animal is before laughing that off to produce a Wally World wannabe. A moose for a team from Manitoba works. From Philly? Eh, not so much.
Another note. He was "traded" to the 76ers. That's "traded" in quotes, just as it appears in the official statement about this potential mascot. Why is that quoted? Was he "traded" / "stolen" ? Like from a zoo? Is there a zoo or game range somewhere missing a overly excited moose? "Traded" / "illegally exported" ? Will this start the great US-Canadian War of 2012 because of a dispute over international livestock smuggling laws? Maybe he was "traded" from Toronto some time ago and just held in a reserve. That explains why the only NBA team in Canada is named after a raptor instead of something more, well, Canadian. Like a moose.
My guess is he was "traded" into "working to pay off a debt". I mean, look at his smile. No teeth. They were most likely busted out the first time Phil backtalked the enforcer sent to his apartment at 3am to "teach him a lesson about paying back the money he owed on time".
Makes sense. Says so right in the statement he played pro-ball and many MANY pro-athletes make horrible financial decisions leading to bankrupcy. Bankrupcy leads to loan sharks. And not paying off the loan shark leads to being excited to have been "traded" to the 76ers in order to entertain fans during games at the Wells Fargo Center. That entertainment is done with no teeth after a poor choice of words at 3am in one's apartment when confronted by a loan shark's enforcer.
That grin is a hollow, meaningless grin hiding his secret torture and fear. The eyes mirror the torment of his broken soul with no life left flicking within the painfilled pupils; the windows of dead man-moose walking.
...I never realized how hardcore the Philadelphia 76ers were. They kill off their old mascot and recruit a new candidate in a quote - "trade".
That's probably the saddest part: realizing that at least two (hopefully all three) of these candidates will not make it onto the court. The team is only looking for one mascot. So what will happen to the losers?
Will they be "traded" to a farm in Pennsylvania too?
TTFN
Ugh!
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